I did not witness the chaos of the birth of this universe.
The resounding echoes of our fathomless creation caress my dreams, reminding me of how we were brought to fruition through this event. When I stand in solitude in the comfort of my office, I close my eyes and recall myself flying ever outward amongst the newborn stars as they formed, observing them with an irreproachability that has long since left me but is still alive in you.
Should I have known that the very substance of those young stars would someday form into a living creation of such value that exceeds my most priceless acquisitions, perhaps I would have further cherished my moments among them. Now, when I look upon you, I see past your mortality and into the sacredness of your interstellar heritage, because you emerged into existence when I did, my dear.
To imagine that in the expanse of my lifetime and the newness of yours that we should happen to cross paths is inscrutable. Though perhaps for you, our meeting was… unfortunate at first.
I recall how you peered down at me with fiery indignation in your eyes from within your display case, your small hands firmly pressed on the glass as you demanded many things of me, more often for Terran beverages than your release, if I do recall correctly. I would look into your face for many hours to assure myself of what I saw there, that the illumination from within your eyes was the one that I had been searching for across the millennia ever since I sensed your light dance past me those eons ago…
I fulfilled your every desire whilst you were in my possession, but I soon came to learn that I could never own you like I would an artifact, that your light was a wild creature never meant to be contained within a glass cage.
When I released you, I believed you would return to your homeworld, and I felt shattered like I’d been dropped from the greatest of heights. You would no longer be enveloped in the safety of my fortress, once again exposed to the uncertain future of Terra, but you chose to stay by my side for reasons you have yet to unveil to me, and you have offered me a forgiveness that I do not believe I will ever comprehend.
Yesterday, your inquisitive lips asked me why my gaze preferred to be settled upon you rather than the priceless subjects of my research, and I will tell you. Above the beauty of the light within you, your actuality as the form of a young Terran is beyond the expectations of my desires, my dearest…
To say that your physical form is precious to me would be deceitful, as there is no word within any language that could convey what it is like to move my hands across your skin… When you were within your glass cage, I could only imagine what it would be like to touch you, and now that my fantasies have come to fruition on your own accord, oh, it is beyond compare.
Many Terrans have come to the false assumption that time passes much quicker for an ancient being, that a short lifespan is no more than a dying ember before me, but I can assure you, my dear, that it is not the reality. I experience every second as though it was the fullness of an eternity, but now that I have you by my side, these innumerable eternities will no longer be spent in solitude.
Perhaps our own eternity together will surpass even the cosmos, and perhaps someday you will reveal to me why you chose to stay.
I never thought I could love or be loved like this. I think a big part of me believed it was only a distant dream that I wouldn’t be able to touch. The odds of us meeting, let alone being able to make it work, were next to impossible. Even looking back now, laying next to you, passed out from a busy day with family, I’m in awe of what we have, what we’ve built together. And yet, our crazy story is true.
It really all began like so many stories do, with a simple “hey you, how’s your day going?” That led to thousands of little moments and big decisions, grand gestures and small glances, spontaneous trips and huge risks, so so so many laughs and some big streaming tears. And a few years later, we’re sitting in your sister’s and her husband’s living room laughing and sharing stories with family from in town and out of town. We’ve both changed careers, we’ve been to weddings and witnessed close friends getting divorced, we’ve held several brand new babies and mourned the departure of family pets. We’ve traveled and moved and took care of parents while they were in the hospital. We’ve built furniture and broken wine glasses. We bought a house.
We’ve learned together and we’ve grown and I know we have a lot left to learn and a lot more to grow, but I’ve never felt so solid in my life. Yes, you make me feel stronger. You expect me to work hard and be better. And you also give me room to be completely who I am. You don’t need me to hold you up. We support each other and we don’t take more than we give. We know that there is love here, but we also know that we are enough as ourselves.
I was raised believing that being married was the end goal. In my culture, in the media, in my family. It wasn’t about support or honesty. It wasn’t about honor or even family. It definitely wasn’t about joy. It was just what seemed to matter above all else. In fact, most instances of “love” I was shown were riddled with toxic codependency, sacrifice instead of compromise, empty gestures, cliched expectations, and putting on a brave face when no one was happy. And I’ve learned all that isn’t true. Marriage itself means nothing if there isn’t a trusting bond, a solid friendship, a dependable partner, a responsible team player who’s willing to pull their weight. And of course, to feel joy, safe, fulfilled, loved, and free.
With you I feel all that. We are not perfect people. We are not a perfect couple. None of those ideals exist. Love isn’t soulmates or destiny or something that just happens. Real love like this love I believe we have exists because of the work we put in, especially when it’s hard, when we just want to crawl in bed and ignore the world. Being with you has taught me this kind of love is an active choice, and that’s somehow makes it more precious than the fairy tale lies I was sold. There’s magic in the luck we had finding each other, but we’re in control of our own love and future and that, to me, is both empowering and beautiful. We choose every day to love each other, to take care of each other, to commit and to support and make each other laugh.
I love you and I see us choosing to love each other every day for a very long time.
“I feel nothing and everything all at once. It makes sense. I am an all or nothing person, so why wouldn’t my emotions be included in this general consensus? I go through long periods of nothingness where nothing phases me and even the most traumatic events don’t make me bat an eye. But then it’s as if a dam breaks and I feel all the emotions I’ve deprived myself of. Fear and loss and love and pain and sadness and happiness and excitement. It portrays itself in the anxiety that hits me like a car when I don’t look both ways before crossing a street. You think I would’ve learned to look by now. But I never saw her coming.”
Please know that you’ll have me wrapped around your little finger. I’ll give up the last slice of pizza, the last piece of gum, and the last deep-fried wonton – to you, and you alone. You’ll also get my jacket when it’s cold, and when it’s so hot that the backs of our legs are sticking to plastic chairs, I’ll share my last chilled beer with you.
When you’re tired and haven’t slept well, I’ll let you sleep in while I get the kids up and ready for the day. I’ll rub your back when you’re stressed, and make your favorite meal for no reason at all. I promise to never watch a new episode of our favorite TV show without you, and that you’ll never have to ask me twice for a cuddle.
“I am the one before the one. It’s a role I’ve learned to accept. I am the one who will overload your senses, I am far too much of everything, but you will try to encompass all that I am. I will be the one who teaches you exactly what you want from “the one.” With me you will see things as though the lights were turned too high on the dimmer so that you could only see me and the music too loud that you couldn’t quite hear anybody else. With the next girl you end up with she will shine just brightly enough that you will be able to see everything you couldn’t see with me and the volume of her music will not leave you deaf when the song ends. I will help you grow by pushing you to the extent of your limit, I will call you out when you’re wrong, I will ask you to do a little better than last time, and I will love you with a love you didn’t even know could exist. It will feel as though one hand I’ve given you to hold holds all the love in the world and the other holds the words my tongue lashes out with no filter. But with those hands you will learn both the love you deserve and how to finally not hold back how you truly feel. These hands will teach you to speak freely without fear of condemnation and condescending judgements. They will teach you to love and touch everything that you find beautiful as you pull your hands through her hair or frolic through a patch of flowers and pull the petals to your face to smell their fragrance. You see after me, you’ll learn not only how to love yourself, but love her. She will tell you that she’s never experienced a love quite like yours and you’ll never tell the secret that you learned it from me. You see, I am the one before the one. But like that scar you got from scraping your knee on the climb up your favorite mountain, you won’t forget me. When pieces of her emanate me, I will be present in the breath you hold in just a second too long at the memory of me, the sharp feeling on your tongue as you bite down as my name starts to slip through your mouth, the butterflies in your stomach as you remember the way my eyes lit up at your presence. Her smooth edges that represent who she is will often remind you of my jagged edges, the ones that cut you but you still loved to climb. And for all those moments you’re reminded of me, you’ll touch your knee and realize you hadn’t climbed your favorite mountain to your favorite view in a while. You’ll wonder if instead of the common smooth edged rock you’d found on the ground, the one you could buy for five dollars at your local farmers market, you could’ve had a fine cut diamond with jagged edges. And as you look into her eyes and see your reflection you’ll wonder if the pressure of my love could’ve made you a diamond as well.”
“The saddest yet most beautiful story,
is when the sun created oceans from his tears, so that the moon could see how much he misses her,
when he died every night to let her shine.”
— Does it take an ocean for you to see how much I miss you? / Mito Akuro
“To the person that will love her next, Be warned, she’s easy to love. You’ll meet her one day and painfully ache for her from that day until your last day. When your eyes mold into hers, all time will cease to exist - the dying seconds frozen to all her glory. Love her with all your might and never take her for granted. She’s been used before and knows all too well how it feels. If you’re here to show her how, I suggest you stop right here. So don’t. She claims to be heartless; immune to the emotions that will intimately pierce her heart. She’s lying. Her heart holds passion that could encompass the universe by tenfold. So when she loves, she loves hard - unknowing of any other way to do so. That love, her love, doesn’t come around often. She’ll push you away in realization that a flame has been ignited in her winter storm. Prevail, and see her inner rose bloom. When she’s angry, don’t leave her alone. She will never ask you to stay, she’s tired of begging people to love her. Tuck her hair behind her ear, see the gorgeous chaos in her eyes and stay. Don’t act tough, you’re not when it comes to her. Your strength shouldn’t come from your exterior, but in how you love the woman in front of you. She’s a writer, so don’t be surprised when she has more to say than most. She’ll draw you in her world - her poetry, her art - and entice you with each syllable, each stroke. Among the stars will you be immortalized, so each constellation will know of your love. That damned pen is a sword you cannot hope to defend yourself from. Her words will touch the depths of your being and scar your body in the midst of her wake. Explore with her. She grew up in a small town so she loves stumbling upon places that wistfully, take her to another world. Aimlessly walk the streets at night, hand in hand, with no destination or hibitions. Discover small coffee shops and record stores. Watch her eyes fill with joy as her fingers run through dusty old vinyls. You’ll see a different side of her; the walls she spent years building will come down. Look, bask, but not for a moment longer. When she realizes she’s let go, those walls will come back, higher than before. Never go a day without telling her you love her. I don’t care how angry you are, grit it through your teeth if you have to. To this day, she’s the strongest and most hard-headed person I’ve ever met. Remember she’s a woman of her own. Don’t try to assert your dominance over because I promise you, it will be the worst decision of your life. Comfort her when yet again, a fictional character dies. You may think it’s stupid, but it’s not just a book to her. To her, she lived the lives of those people, loved the people they loved. She immerses herself into the grand world of literature and this broadens her mind. Read The Alchemist - trust me. Start listening to The 1975. If you don’t try, you’re done for. She’ll claim that she can’t pick a favourite song of theirs. A total lie - it’s Robbers. Music comes first. Always. When she has an anxiety attack, hum Robbers under your breath and tell her to breathe. Kiss her forehead and rub the small of her back. Stand through the storm, the calm waves of her even breathing will soothe your soul. She is here; here with you - alive. She has and will continue to defeat her demons time and time again. She is smarter than you, even when you think you’re outsmarting her or reading her. Trust me, you’re feeling that way because she wants you to. Treat her like royalty or somebody else will. That girl deserves the universe at her fingertips. You’ll never be the same again, because this girl isn’t like the rest. And most of all, don’t ever lose her - not like I did.”
— sincerely, a name you’ll never hear past her lips
